A love strong enough to hold me without cracking

I see the image of an angry child punching his/her father into the stomach with small fists. The father is standing still and he looks down at the child with compassion, while the child keeps punching him. When the child stops the father takes the child in his arms and holds him/her.

I wish there was such a person in my life. Someone whose love I knew I would not have to earn by always trying to behave the best way I can. Someone who would stay even when I would become angry and push him or her away. Someone who is reliable and trustworthy, someone to whom I can cry out all frustration, pain, discouragement and disappointment, without him or her becoming shocked and turning away. Someone whom I could scream at without this person screaming back. I wish I would know someone who would have such a strong love, a love which is strong enough to hold me without cracking. Someone who would be able to see through all of the anger and see the pain which is behind it, someone who would care. Someone who can help me believe that real love does exist and that it is not an empty balloon which will pop.

Something tells me that God loves in this way, but why is it so difficult to believe this. I want to cry out to God because I don’t understand why the evil in the world seems to be stronger then the goodness; why people who once wanted to follow God fall away; why it seems that no matter how much energy and prayer you put into something it can still come to nothing; why God sometimes leads through endless desserts; why following him can sometimes seem like a strive against all these forces which constantly try to pull you in the opposite direction; why it seems that after holding on for such a long time, letting go for just a little while can bring you back all the way to where you started, like the current pulling you back when you take time to breath; why we as humans are so stubborn and why it is so difficult for us to change; why do lies sometimes seem so real, while the truth stays hidden even after searching for it for a long time; why does following God sometimes feel like being lost in a labyrinth never knowing which turn to take, or what lies behind the next corner; why can God sometimes feel so close and then all of a sudden so far away; why, why, why….

God, will you still love me when I’m angry and don’t understand? Will your love stay with me even when I walk away? And when I’m tired of being angry and am letting go, will your arms be there to catch me or will you let me fall?